Two Old Scots in a Sauna

Rate this song

Click a number to rate

About this song

A Texan in a castle sauna once owned by Robert the Bruce gets a thirty-minute sermon from two old Scotsmen, both named Hamish, on never giving up his guns. Then he mentions the miniature Highland cattle back home. Based on a true story, mostly.

Lyrics

[Intro]
[Bagpipe drone, fiddle kicks in]

[Verse 1 - Texan]
I came across from Belfast on the morning boat,
rode a bus to Glasgow with my passport in my coat,
a fella from a podcast met us at the station door
and drove us to a castle that the Bruce had owned before.
Seven hundred years later, there's a pool down the hall
and a cedar-paneled sauna built into the castle wall,
I was boiling like a crawdad when the door swung wide,
and two old Scotsmen in their towels came and squeezed inside.

[Verse 2 - Texan]
One was named Hamish, and the other one was too,
with eyebrows hanging over like a pair of Hielan' coos,
they asked me where I'm from, I said, "Texas, born and raised,"
and the two of them lit up like a peat fire in a blaze.
"Then ye'll have guns," the first one said. The second said, "How many, son?"
I said I had a few, and that's how the sermon begun.

[Chorus - Old Scotsmen, gruff, group]
Dinnae let them take your guns, lad,
dinnae let them take your guns,
they took ours in seventeen and forty-six,
and they took our tartan, son,
we whipped 'em good at Bannockburn,
and we'd do it again for fun,
so whatever else ye give away,
dinnae let them take your guns!

[Verse 3 - Texan]
They flipped the little hourglass, then flipped it once again,
that's thirty minutes by the sand of "Lad, don't trust the men
who come around in neckties with a clipboard and a grin,"
and "Lock the door," and "Bar the door," and "Never let 'em in."
My fingers went to raisins and my face went lobster red,
but you don't walk out on a sermon, so I sat right there and sweat.

[Chorus - Old Scotsmen, gruff, group]
Dinnae let them take your guns, lad,
dinnae let them take your guns,
they took ours in seventeen and forty-six,
and they took our tartan, son,
we whipped 'em good at Bannockburn,
and we'd do it again for fun,
so whatever else ye give away,
dinnae let them take your guns!

[Verse 4 - Texan]
So I figured I'd be neighborly and give 'em something back,
said, "We've got your Highland cattle down in Texas, matter of fact,
my neighbor breeds the minis, and they're bred down to the knee,
folks pay ten grand apiece to keep one by the pee-can tree."

[Break]
[Silence, one fiddle note]

[Verse 5 - Texan, slower]
Well, the ladle hit the floorboards and the steam stood still as stone,
nobody flipped the hourglass, and it sat there all alone,
"Ye shrunk them?" said the first one, and the second whispered, "Wee?"
like I was Edward Longshanks with the Stone of Destiny.

[Final Chorus - Old Scotsmen, slow and menacing, then full band]
Keep a hold of all your guns, lad,
keep a hold of all your guns,
we forgave the English, near enough,
for the Stone and what they done,
but ye took our bonnie Hielan' coo
and ye shrank him down for fun,
so keep a hold of all your guns, lad,
ye're gonna need 'em, son.

[Texan]
I flew home Thursday.
Saturday, my neighbor called.
Two old men in towels, out by his pee-can tree.
Both named Hamish.
Said they'd come for the coos.

[Chorus Reprise - Old Scotsmen and full band, rowdy singalong]
Dinnae let them take your guns, lad,
dinnae let them take your guns,
they took ours in seventeen and forty-six,
and they took our tartan, son,
we whipped 'em good at Bannockburn,
and we'd do it again for fun,
so whatever else ye give away,
dinnae let them take your guns!

[Bagpipes]
[End]

Comments (0)