why does my light bulb need an update

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Lyrics

Well I went down to the hardware store last Tuesday afternoon
Bought myself some light bulbs, thought I'd have 'em working soon
But when I screwed 'em in the socket, they just blinked at me and said
"Please download our app first, then we'll light up overhead"

I said "App? For a light bulb? Son, you've got to be kidding me"
My granddaddy just flipped a switch, and that worked perfectly
Now I'm typing in my email just to turn the damn thing on
And it wants to update firmware—Lord, what have we done?

## Chorus
Why does my light bulb need the internet?
Why's my refrigerator sending texts?
My toaster's got more processing power than the moon landing crew
And my doorbell records video of everything you do
I just wanted something simple, not a PhD
Why does my light bulb need the internet to work for me?

## Verse 2
My TV's smarter than I am—least that's what it likes to say
It buffers and it loads things and it updates every day
I remember when a television had about four knobs to turn
Now it's got a hundred passwords and a privacy form to learn

My phone don't ring like phones should ring, it buzzes and it beeps
It tracks my every movement and it monitors my sleep
I tried to make a phone call—you know, that thing they used to do
But first I had to read "Terms of Service: Page one of ninety-two"

Now I'm sitting on the toilet—and I wish this was a joke—
It's analyzing everything while I'm just trying to go
It wants to sync up with my phone and track my fiber intake too
Lord have mercy, there's a camera and it's asking for my Google login credentials, what am I supposed to do?
Even my most private moment ain't private anymore
My toilet's sending data packets while I'm sitting on the floor
It's got more computing power than the whole Apollo mission crew
And it just asked me would I like to share my bathroom habits with my whole contact list—I said "Hell no, would you?"

## Chorus
Why does my light bulb need the internet?
Why's my thermostat upset?
My coffee maker's downloading patches in the middle of the night
And my bathroom scale just told me that my password isn't right
I just wanted something simple, not some tech conspiracy
Why does my light bulb need the internet to work for me?

## Bridge
They say it's all for convenience, makes our lives so much better
But I spent three hours last night reading my light switch's newsletter
And when the WiFi goes down—and brother, it always will
I'm sitting in the darkness with a hundred-dollar bill

For a light bulb that won't light without a software engineer
To reset the router, clear the cache, and maybe drink a beer
My granddaddy's rolling over, I can hear him from the grave
Saying "Son, you paid good money just to be technology's slave"

## Chorus
Why does my light bulb need the internet?
Why won't they let me just forget?
My washing machine wants my location and my credit card on file
And my smoke detector just asked me to accept terms with a smile
I just wanted something simple, something that would set me free
Why does my light bulb need the internet?
Why's my blender got Bluetooth connectivity?
Why does my light bulb need the internet to work for me?

## Outro
*(Spoken, over soft guitar)*

And you know what really gets me? That light bulb's gonna quit working in five years when the company goes under and the servers shut down. But that old incandescent bulb my granddaddy screwed in back in 1952? Still in the barn. Still works. Never needed an update in its life.

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