The Skillet and the Crown

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Lyrics

[Intro — War drums building, ominous strings, whispered]
We teleported to his chamber
While the king undressed for bed
He came to lay with concubines
He left without his head
[Verse 1 — Driving rhythm, heavy guitars]
Seven mana and a prayer, we blinked into the dark
The swordsman and the barbarian standing center mark
Two orcs beneath the blankets and a war-dog by the bed
The blade came down before they woke — the sheets ran orc-blood red
The swordsman carved the first one clean then raised his steel again
But the blade bit deep into the frame — stuck fast in oaken grain
He cursed and pulled while laughter spread across the killing floor
A warrior worth a hundred men, defeated by a door
[Chorus — Full band, triumphant, bombastic]
Tonight we feast on victory, tonight we set the table
We carved the king like Sunday roast as fast as we were able
The skillet flew, the blade rang true, we served him course by course
The orc king got his just desserts — with compliments, of course
[Verse 2 — Tempo shifts, builds tension]
The king walked in with hunger but for something other than a meal
His lady on his arm, he didn't smell the blood or steel
But something stirred behind his eyes — the warrior sensed the trap
The rogue stepped out and threw the vial — the potion was a wrap
It burned his skin but didn't hold, he shook it off like rain
"Die, orc bitch!" she screamed in Common — dagger through the brain
His concubine dropped like a stone, he roared into the black
And Aldrick the Bold came 'round the corner — there was no turning back
[Pre-Chorus — Half-time, dramatic]
"Do you yield?" the swordsman asked
With steel already swinging
Fifty-nine points of damage and
The orc king's ears were ringing
[Chorus]
Tonight we feast on victory, tonight we set the table
We carved the king like Sunday roast as fast as we were able
The skillet flew, the blade rang true, we served him course by course
The orc king got his just desserts — with compliments, of course
[Verse 3 — Building energy, almost comedic swagger]
Now eighty feet across the room stood Frekka, tribe less, huge and proud
He couldn't reach the king in time so he got creative — loud
He gripped the cast iron handle of his legendary pan
And went full Betty White on him — half skillet, half a plan
It sailed across the chamber like a black and screaming moon
It caught the king square in the face — a culinary boom
Fifteen points of damage and a CLANG heard through the stone
The frying pan hit the floor and rang like church bells made of bone
[Bridge — Slower, dramatic, building tension]
The mage stepped up and let it fly — a ray of shocking blue
It lit the king like lightning through a side of barbecue
He seized and shook and hit the floor, still smoking, barely there
One hit point left and twitching while the thunder filled the air
Then Aldrick walked up slow and calm, his great sword in his hand
He swung it once — the head came free — exactly as they'd planned
He caught it as it left the neck and held it to his face
And watched the orc king blink his last — then darkness took its place
[Final Chorus — Key change up, massive, anthemic]
Tonight we feast on victory, tonight we cleared the table
We seasoned him with lightning and we carved him with a sable
The skillet flew, the blade rang true, we served him head to toe
But two bolts of fabric still are missing — and the quest ain't over, no
[Outro — Driving rhythm continues, defiant]
The king is dead, the head is ours, the treasure's in the bag
But wedding robes still need their cloth — the prince will start to nag
Three bolts he wanted, one we found, two lost beneath the stone
So raise your pan and raise your blade —
[spoken]
"Order up. We ain't done."
(CLANG of skillet on stone)

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